Dear Parents,
If you’re concerned about your child’s eating, weight or health, your instinct is probably to do something. You may begin paying closer attention to portions, limiting certain foods, encouraging healthier choices, tracking calories or macros, monitoring weight or creating rules around when and how much your child can eat.
All of these things can come from a very understandable place. You love your child, you are responsible for their health, and you want to help them develop habits that will serve them well throughout their lives.
But I want to invite you to consider something that can easily get lost when the focus turns toward managing food or weight: How can we help our children develop a healthy relationship with food that will serve them throughout their lives?
Because children are learning much more from us than what foods contain protein, which snacks are more nutritious or what an appropriate portion looks like.
They are learning whether hunger can be trusted, whether certain foods should be feared, whether eating is something they can enjoy without guilt, whether their body needs to be controlled, and whether the number on a scale says something about how well they are doing.
As an eating disorder recovery coach, I spend much of my professional life helping people unlearn beliefs about food and their bodies that became deeply rooted years earlier. This is one reason I care so much about the messages children receive around food.
Our goal should not simply be to raise children who make “healthy” food choices. We want to help raise adults who know how to have a healthy relationship with food.
And that requires us to think beyond food management.
Food Management Can Look Like a Lot of Things
Food management can show up in many forms, and often with very good intentions. It might mean tracking calories or macros, controlling portions, limiting certain foods, encouraging a child to eat less, weighing them frequently, commenting on how much they are eating, requiring them to finish certain foods before having others, or creating categories of foods that are “good,” “bad,” “healthy” or “junk.”
It can also look like using exercise to compensate for food, encouraging a child to “make up for” what they ate yesterday, or placing them on a diet or weight loss plan.
None of these choices automatically mean a parent is doing something harmful. Context matters, and children sometimes need nutritional structure or specialized support for medical, developmental or feeding concerns. What I want parents to consider is what happens when managing food becomes the primary way we try to manage a child’s health or body. The more attention we place on controlling what, how much or when a child eats, the easier it can become for that child to stop looking inward and begin looking outward for the rules that tell them how to eat.
Not Every Difficult Eating Stage Is a Problem to Fix
This is also important when children are young because eating can be messy, inconsistent and sometimes downright frustrating. A child who happily ate broccoli six months ago may suddenly refuse anything green. They may eat what seems like an enormous breakfast one morning and barely touch it the next. They may decide they only like five foods, become suspicious of anything unfamiliar, or insist that two foods absolutely cannot touch each other on the plate.
Some degree of food selectivity, often called “picky eating,” is a normal part of childhood development. Children’s appetites can also vary from day to day depending on growth, activity, sleep, illness and many other factors. Our adult instinct can be to intervene quickly when eating doesn’t look the way we think it should, but not every season of selective or inconsistent eating needs to become a food battle or a diagnosis.
At the same time, there is an important difference between developmentally common food selectivity and eating difficulties that significantly affect a child’s nutrition, growth, functioning or emotional well-being. Persistent restriction, intense fear or distress around food, a very limited range of accepted foods, difficulty eating enough, binge eating, compensatory behaviors or other concerning patterns deserve appropriate evaluation. The goal is not to ignore genuine problems. It is to respond to what is actually happening rather than allowing fear about what might happen to drive how we feed our children.
Children Are Learning More Than What Is on the Plate
Every interaction around food teaches something. When certain foods are tightly restricted, a child may learn that those foods are dangerous or unusually valuable. Continually monitoring portions may lead them to question whether their own hunger can be trusted. When praise follows eating less or losing weight, they can begin connecting body size with approval. And when eating more than expected is met with worry, disappointment or correction, food can gradually become intertwined with shame.
This does not mean parents need to say everything perfectly or create some anxiety-free food environment. That isn’t realistic, and it isn’t necessary. It means we can become more aware of the messages underneath our choices. Instead of asking only, “How do I get my child to eat better?” we can also ask, “What is my child learning about food and their body through the way we’re approaching this?”
Over time, we want children to develop skills that no calorie tracker or food rule can give them. We want them to recognize hunger and satisfaction, experience a variety of foods, understand that nutrition matters without becoming afraid of food, and learn that eating can include nourishment, pleasure, culture, celebration and connection. We want them to eventually leave our homes able to feed themselves without needing rigid rules to tell them whether they have eaten correctly.
Restriction Can Backfire
This becomes especially important when a child is already overeating, binge eating, sneaking food or appearing preoccupied with certain foods. The instinct may be to tighten the rules. If a child seems unable to control themselves around food, greater control from the adults around them can feel like the obvious answer. Many parents have told me they have even locked up food (refrigerators, cabinets, etc.) to try and help.
Sometimes, however, restriction can intensify the very behaviors parents are trying to stop.
When a food becomes scarce, forbidden or highly controlled, it can become more psychologically powerful. A child who knows cookies are rarely allowed may become far more focused on cookies when they are available. Worrying that a parent will notice how much they are eating may lead a child to begin eating privately. And when overeating is followed by the expectation to eat less the next day, a pattern of restriction and overeating can begin to develop rather than a more consistent pattern of nourishment.
For children who struggle with binge eating, this deserves particular attention. Restriction and binge eating can reinforce one another. The child eats more than intended, feels ashamed, responds by trying to eat less or “be good,” becomes increasingly hungry or preoccupied with food, and eventually feels out of control again. What appears from the outside to be a problem of needing more discipline may actually be a cycle that more food control continues to strengthen.
That does not mean every episode of overeating is caused by restriction, or that every child who is selective or overeats has an eating disorder.
Eating behavior is complex, and there can be biological, emotional, developmental, environmental and neurodivergent factors involved. This is another reason curiosity is often more useful than judgment. Instead of immediately asking, “How do we stop this behavior?” we can first ask, “What might be contributing to it?”
Be Careful About Making Food ‘Good’ or ‘Bad’
Another way we can unintentionally shape a child’s relationship with food is through the language we use. Adults commonly talk about being “good” because they ordered the salad, being “bad” because they ate dessert, needing to “work off” dinner, or having a “cheat day.” Children hear far more of this than we realize.
When food becomes morally categorized, children can begin assigning those same judgments to themselves. If vegetables are good and cookies are bad, what does it mean about me when I eat the cookie? If Mom says she was “so bad” for eating dessert, what should I think when I want dessert too?
Nutrition matters, and foods are nutritionally different. We do not have to pretend that broccoli and brownies provide the same nutrients to avoid assigning morality to either one. We can teach children about protein, carbohydrates, fats, fiber, vitamins and the many ways food supports the body while also making room for pleasure, traditions, celebrations and foods that simply taste wonderful.
A positive relationship with food allows both things to be true. Food can nourish the body, and food can bring pleasure.
Structure Still Matters
Cultivating a positive relationship with food does not mean children are responsible for every food decision or that parents should provide unlimited access to anything at any time. Children need parents to provide structure, predictability and guidance. Regular meals and snacks, access to a variety of foods, repeated opportunities to experience unfamiliar foods, and adults who model flexibility around eating can all be part of that structure.
And yes, your own relationship with food matters a lot. They are watching you.
The distinction I want parents to understand is between providing structure and exerting control. Structure helps create safety and consistency around food while allowing children to gradually develop their own eating skills. Control can teach a child that someone or something outside their body must determine whether they are allowed to be hungry, how much they should eat, or whether a particular food is acceptable.
And that distinction becomes increasingly important as children grow. We are not simply feeding the child sitting at our table today. We are helping that child learn how to feed themselves when we are no longer sitting beside them.
But What If I Am Genuinely Concerned About My Child’s Weight?
For many parents, this is the question underneath everything else. You may have concerns about your child’s health, family medical history, changes in their eating, rapid weight changes, physical limitations, teasing from peers, or something a pediatrician has said. Those concerns can be very real, and talking about cultivating a positive relationship with food does not mean we dismiss them.
What I would encourage parents to reconsider is the assumption that weight loss must be the first goal, or that intentionally controlling food is necessarily the best way to improve a child’s health. When the scale becomes our primary measure of success, it can become easy to overlook what is happening with the child’s actual eating behaviors and their developing relationship with food.
Before asking only how to change a child’s weight, we can become curious about the larger picture.
Are meals and snacks happening consistently? Is the child frequently becoming overly hungry? Are there episodes of binge eating or feeling out of control around food? Are certain foods becoming highly restricted or unusually desirable because they are rarely allowed? Is eating connected to boredom, stress, loneliness or other emotions? Is the child able to experience enjoyable foods without guilt or secrecy? Are they learning how different foods affect their energy, satisfaction and well-being?
Those are meaningful indicators of health too.
If there is a legitimate concern about a child’s growth, nutrition or weight, I strongly recommend involving professionals who understand both pediatric health and the development of eating disorders. Children are growing, and their bodies do not always develop in predictable, linear ways. Decisions about intentionally changing a child’s intake or weight deserve individualized assessment rather than a generic calorie target, diet or food plan.
The goal should be to support a child’s physical health without sacrificing their relationship with food in the process.
What Does a Positive Relationship With Food Actually Look Like?
When I talk about helping children cultivate a positive relationship with food, I am not talking about raising children who eat perfectly. There is no perfect relationship with food, and trying to create one would simply give us another set of rules to follow.
I am talking about helping children become increasingly comfortable and competent around food. Over time, we want them to recognize hunger and fullness while understanding that those cues will not feel exactly the same every day. That includes experiencing a wide variety of foods without believing they must like everything offered to them and understanding basic nutrition without turning nutrition into fear.
It means being able to enjoy birthday cake at a party, eat more on a day when their body needs more, leave food behind when they are satisfied, try something new without pressure, and move through the normal fluctuations of appetite and body development without believing something has gone wrong.
Most importantly, we want food to occupy an appropriate amount of space in their lives. Eating matters, but it should not become a daily test of character, discipline or worth.
Think About the Adult You Are Raising
If we help a child develop a healthy relationship with food but never change the number on the scale, we have still given that child an incredible gift.
If we change the number on the scale but their relationship with food becomes fearful, rigid or shame filled, we have not truly solved the problem.
That distinction matters because childhood eventually ends. The child whose snacks we monitor today will someday choose their own groceries. The portions and desserts we control now will eventually become theirs to navigate for themselves. They will walk into restaurants, attend college parties, celebrate holidays, travel, experience stress, live through changing seasons of appetite and inhabit a body that will continue changing throughout adulthood.
We cannot manage all of those moments for them. What we can do is help them develop the skills and confidence they will eventually need to navigate those moments themselves.
As parents, the instinctive question may be, “How can I help my child eat better, manage their weight or gain more control around food?”
I would encourage you to widen the question: “How can I help my child build a relationship with food and their body that supports both their physical and emotional health for years to come?”
That shift does not mean abandoning nutrition, structure or appropriate medical care. It means remembering that the goal is bigger than what your child eats today or what the scale says at their next appointment. You are helping shape the relationship they may have with food for the rest of their life.
And that relationship is worth protecting.
Need More Help?
Need more help navigating food, body image or eating concerns with your child? My team and I work with parents every day who are trying to figure out how to support their child without unintentionally adding more fear, pressure or control around food and body.
You do not have to have all the answers. Sometimes a little guidance can help you understand what is happening, know what to say (and what not to say), and feel more confident supporting your child as they develop a healthier relationship with food and their body.
If your child is struggling with an eating disorder, disordered eating or body image concerns, or you simply aren’t sure whether what you’re seeing is something to be concerned about, we’re here to help.
